The Folly Of Ron Paul's Foreign Policy

In an alternate universe........


President Paul entered the White House Situation Room in a huff. It was about 4pm, and he was cranky. Everyone knew not to disturb President Paul during Judge Judy, but this was a national security emergency. The CIA now had definitive proof that the Islamic Republic of Iran had placed intercontinental ballistic missiles in Venezuela.


"Mr. President," began Major General Major, the Commandant of the Marine Corps and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. "The Iranians have placed ICBM's on the northern coast of Venezuela. We're not sure about the capabilities of these weapons of mass destruction, but we have confirmation that they could reach Miami if launched. I recommend we strike now. We can scramble the bombers immediately."


President Paul smiled kindly at Major General Major. He forgot all about having his Judge Judy time interrupted and his mind wandered back to how much fun he and the media had after Major General James Major became Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. "Major General Major....has a ring to it...." President Paul said to himself softly.

"Sir ?'

"Back off, fascist!" Chief of Staff Lew Rockwell screamed at the decorated war hero. "Can't you see a great man is thinking ?!"

"Enhance your calm, Lew," said Vice President Dennis Kucinich in a kindly voice."That yelling and screaming stuff was okay when the Zionists ran the place, but the White House is a place of understanding now. It's a place where we exchange ideas and hope, not hate and animosity."

"You're right, Mr. Vice President. I don't know what came over me."


President Paul looked over to his Secretary of Defense, Jesse Ventura. "What's going on here, Jesse ?"


"I dunno, Mr. President", shrugged Ventura. "I've been trying to get a hold of National Security Advisor [Alex] Jones all day. I know he's very busy with his fourth 9/11 investigation, but why this guy can't answer a text is beyond me."


Secretary of State Pat Buchanan stood up from his chair. "Mr. President, If I may," the old "paleoconservative" began. "You must live up to your promise not to interfere in the affairs of other states. Remember that stump speech you made at 'Occupy Wall Street' ? Remember how you promised to end all war and bring peace to mankind ? You must make good on that pledge. Those kids in the tents are counting on you."


President Paul smiled. Mentions of "Occupy Wall Street" always made him happy. "You're right, Pat. You're always right. Even when you're wrong, you're right. This a much-to-do-over-nothing. We can't be sure if the CIA is right. After all, those are violent people, and we all know that violent people are never right. Get on the horn, Pat. Ask Hugo nicely to remove the missiles if it all possible. If they don't, well, that's ok. Both Iran and Venezuela know that this is a different America now. They would never harm us. We're a good, non-imperialist country now."

President Paul turned to the nearest door to leave.

"No, no....Mr. President, that's a closet," Vice President Kucinich said putting his hand on the President's shoulder. "Lew, help me get him to bed. Why we have these meetings so late in the day is beyond me."

Two weeks later, the city of Miami was destroyed by Iranian made ICBMs launched from Venezuela's northern coast.